Accepting our Children’s Thoughts and Feelings

Posted on February 1, 2013 by

When kids feel judged and evaluated by their parents, they are much more likely to look for acceptance from peers. Having a connection with peers is great, and yet we want our kids to get their values from us parents, to come to us when they are confused, sad, upset, to lean on us when they need comfort, and to celebrate their successes with us.  If we want our kids to be honest with us, we need to show them that it’s safe, that we’re on their side, that we’re not judging or evaluating their thoughts or feelings.

We are all capable of having the full range of human feelings – from hatred and rage, to deep grief, to full aliveness and joy. If we were shamed or shut down with regard to any of our feelings while growing up, it might be difficult for us to see someone else expressing that same feeling. For example, if you were taught that you should never hate anyone, and maybe even shamed or punished for saying you hated someone, it might be very difficult for you if your child said, “I hate you.” You might very well want to respond with, “Don’t you ever speak to me like that again.” This response is totally understandable, and I know that many good parents have said this. However, it leaves the child alone with their feelings; still frustrated and upset about whatever made them feel that way in the first place. What if, instead, you responded by saying something like, “Wow, you must be really angry with me! Can you help me understand what I said or did that got you so mad?” Of course, even more important than the words is all the nonverbal communication. It won’t work if your tone is sarcastic or in any way ingenuous.

This means that as parents, we need to do our own inner work and healing in order to get to the place where we can truly accept and make room for whatever our child is feeling. It doesn’t mean that it’s okay for our child (or anyone else for that matter) to act out or be violent; just that their feelings are okay, and that they don’t have to feel them alone.

In the example above, suppose your child replied with something like, “You always let my sister do what she wants and you never let me do what I want. I really wanted to play my game.” Rather than getting defensive or justifying your reasons for not letting him play his game, you might first try on putting yourself in your child’s place. From there you might respond with something like, “I can really understand why you’d be so mad if you feel like your sister always gets to do what she wants and you never do! That would feel terrible.” Once your child feels understood and not all alone with his frustration, you can continue on with a conversation that he or she will most likely be much more open to. One more important thing is that in addition to really wanting to know how your child is feeling, see if you can match his or her energy. So, if he’s expressing anger or frustration, rather than responding with a calm, logical lecture voice, try responding with a lot of energy in your voice; not anger, but enough energy to match your child’s. This will also help your child feel met and understood.

If this type of parenting is of interest to you, I recommend reading anything on attachment-focused parenting by Daniel Hughes. Here’s a link to his books.      http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Daniel+Hughes&x=0&y=0

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Energy Speaks Louder Than Words, and The Power of Love

Posted on July 26, 2012 by

I recently spent two weeks with my daughter, her husband and my grandson.  My grandson is a delight – bright, funny, loving, affectionate, engaging, strong willed and two and a half! So I got to practice what I’ve been preaching; specifically, giving him a connection for his “no.”

My grandson can get intense about his “no.” Not that he yells or screams, just that he looks you intensely in the eyes while he very firmly says “No.” Like his no is completely grounded and packed in cement; no wavering in any way, shape or form.

At first, this was a bit unnerving for me. It was also wonderful to see him expressing himself so clearly. The challenge came with how I was going to respond to his no. I had plenty of opportunities to notice how my responses to his no affected our ensuing interactions, and how that was largely determined by the head/heart space I was in at the moment. I noticed that when I was very clear and truly did have room for him to have a no, I could easily feel my delight that he was so clear about his own boundary. I want him to feel good about his ability to say “no” even when he still has to do what he doesn’t want to do. On those occasions, I would say, “I hear your no,” matching his energy with my full presence, and feeling my delight in him. He would then relax, and it would be much easier to accomplish what I needed, such as getting him dressed or getting him in his car seat. I also noticed that when I wasn’t as present, perhaps rushed or tired or wishing he was cooperating, I would say the exact same words to him, but get a completely different response. At those times, he didn’t want to budge, and somewhat of a struggle would follow; teaching me firsthand that the words we use aren’t nearly as important as where we’re coming from, and that children are very tuned into energy. After the struggle, which was never more than a few minutes, I would give him empathy for how hard that was for him (never patronizing, but truly understanding how much he didn’t want to do what we needed him to do), and give him lots of love and hugs. Within about a minute he would start singing and playing again.

It was great to spend time with my grandson for countless reasons, one of which is that I got to see the power of love in action. So often, when we have a hard time with our children, or need them to do something they don’t want to do, we temporarily take away our love or get angry with them. The anger could last a few minutes or even several hours. With each thing my grandson resisted, from getting dressed to getting in his car seat to going to bed, there were often some tears on his part. Although my daughter and I were firm about being in charge (it’s not a good idea to have a 2 ½ year old running the show), we also gave him lots of love and empathy while holding firmly to our agenda. I am reminded that children can recover from all kinds of frustrations and easily come back to feeling happy when they have a loving connection from their parent, even when the parent is causing the frustration.

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Book Review: The One Thing Holding You Back, by Raphael Cushnir

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

This book, by Raphael Cushnir, puts into clear articulation what I have known and taught for a long time; every part of us – every feeling, emotion and energetic self within, wants to be loved. And the most unconditional form of love is to bring our total presence in an exquisite attunement to whatever is calling out to be reclaimed. Raphael teaches his audience to do this by walking the reader through a process he calls emotional connection. When we bring our loving attention to whatever emotions arise in us, we are re-claiming parts of ourselves that have been alone, sometimes for our whole lives.

Emotions are felt physically in the body. However, most of us have been taught to fear or resist our emotions, so it may take some practice to locate the bodily felt sense. Additionally, Raphael talks about two parts of the brain that come into play. The limbic system is the part of the brain where emotions arise. Emotions need to be felt, acknowledged, experienced, although not necessarily acted out.  Only by allowing ourselves to feel an emotion without either resisting or becoming overly identified with it, is the emotion free to flow into something else, to transform. Often, we come to a place of centered expansion within ourselves.

There is another part of the brain, called the primitive, or reptilian brain, that sees emotions as threats. Raphael explains that this part of the brain can’t tell the difference between a threatening emotion and an actual physical threat, like a saber tooth tiger. That being the case, we employ all kinds of strategies to resist or avoid the emotion. We may use addictions such as alcohol, food, sex, internet or TV, or indulge in compulsive thinking or obsessing so as not to feel the emotion. The problem with this is that just because we ignore the emotion, it doesn’t go away. In fact, unfelt emotions lodge themselves in the body, and can cause various ailments which turn up sooner or later in our lives. Suppressed or repressed emotions can turn into anxiety or depression.

The good news is that in a safe environment (perhaps with a trained therapist), we can experience the emotions that have challenged us in the past and are currently stored in our bodies. We can also learn to re-wire our brains as we learn that, in fact, feeling our emotions is safe and will not lead to our demise. This may take some practice. However, the rewards are great. Allowing ourselves to experience difficult emotions, both from the past and present, can lead to greater satisfaction, aliveness, and having more of what we want in life.

If you’d like to check out Raphael’s Website, follow this link.  http://www.cushnir.com/

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The Importance of No

Posted on January 15, 2012 by

Many of us never had our “no” honored as children. The period of our lives when we are usually learning this important word is often referred to as the “terrible twos.” As if learning to have a boundary, learning to have our own will, our own wants and needs separate from what our parents want, is a terrible thing. And as parents, I’m sure we have all had times of frustration, just wanting our child to behave in a way that is convenient for us.

The thing is, we need to be able to have a “no”, to have a simple boundary, in order to truly have a “yes” to life. And we also need connection. When we were little, we needed that connection from our parents. We needed them to be interested in our inner world, and to be able to connect with us in our feelings and needs. It doesn’t mean we needed to get whatever we wanted. Let’s say we didn’t want to wear a seatbelt, and had a very loud “no” about that. A responsible parent would still make sure we wore a seatbelt, but what if they also said, “I hear your no. I hear that you really don’t want to wear that” in a way that communicated total acceptance of our “no.” In most cases, when a child feels truly heard and accepted, they are happy. The parent wouldn’t even need to get into a power struggle over the seatbelt. After the child’s no was honored, the parent would most likely be able to fasten the seatbelt without issue.

If we didn’t have that kind of connection and acceptance for our “no” while we were growing up, most likely we have some issue with having a simple boundary as an adult. We may be sort of aggressive with our boundaries, or maybe we have a hard time having a boundary at all.

Here are two experiments for you:

Close your eyes and take a moment to relax inside yourself. Now say, “Yes” and notice how it feels in your body. Say it as many times as you need to in order to be able to feel how your body responds. Next say, “No” and notice how your body responds to that. How it feels could vary depending on when you do this. There’s no way to do it wrong – it’s simply a way to tune in more deeply with yourself and connect more with your inner world.

The next experiment is to again, relax inside yourself.  Imagine that the most loving, accepting being (person, animal, spirit guide, or whatever feels good to you) is right there with you. Now imagine saying, “No” to that being. Imagine having a boundary with them, and having them communicate total acceptance for your “no” or your boundary. Again, there is no way to do this wrong. Whatever happens is information about your process at the moment, and perhaps information about your childhood. And whatever happens is also presenting the next doorway into further healing.

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The Inner Victimizer

Posted on September 6, 2011 by

It’s been almost a year since I’ve posted. I realized that it’s the victimizer, inner critic, sensor (call it what you like) within that hasn’t let me post anything. It’s amazing how sneaky that part of us can be. It’s not that I have had nothing to share with you for the past year. On the contrary; there’s been lots I would like to share and inspire you with. However, that part of me that says I have nothing worthwhile to offer has been behind the scenes. For the past year, there are times I’ve wanted to blog, but have felt completely blocked about it. Yesterday, I heard Tami Simon interviewing Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way. Julia talked about the inner sensor, and that it never goes away. In my work, we call it the inner victimizer, and I consider it an important aspect of therapy. This morning, I wrote out everything my victimizer says. I felt a release afterward, and am now back to blogging.

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Working with the Inner Victimizer

Posted on September 5, 2011 by

Give yourself at least 15 or 20 minutes.

Don’t think too much about it, and just write down all the negative things the victimizer says about you. This is the voice that doesn’t believe in you, doesn’t believe you’re smart enough, or good looking enough, or creative enough, or whatever enough. Writing out what it says will help you begin to separate from it, rather than being identified with it or automatically believing what it says.

As you write, notice the energy of this part. Does it feel like a loving energy? Does it feel like it’s a hating energy? Most likely you will feel that it is a hating energy. It often disguises itself as knowing what is for our own good. The affect the victimizer/critic/sensor has on us is often to make us depressed, blocked or in some way not feeling so good about ourselves.

Okay, so once you have written out what this energy says, step back for a bit, and then write out whatever you want to say in response. This could come from a part of you that feels hurt by it, or a loving energy inside that wants to protect you from it, or even a part of you that feels angry and doesn’t want to be held down by this part.

After you have written out both parts, take a moment to imagine yourself surrounded by love and protection. You can do this on your own, or use one of the guided visualizations I have posted.

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More on the Inner Victimizer

Posted on September 5, 2011 by

The victimizer can be very sneaky, and it is not always obvious when it is taking over. We get so used to it, it is like background noise that we no longer notice. In other words, we don’t necessarily hear this voice that is criticizing us, or telling us why we don’t deserve to be happy, or that is comparing us to others. Most often, when we are feeling lethargic, depressed, unmotivated, irritable, or generally feeling less than alive and well, we can find a victimizer who is running the show. It is important to note that I am not talking about embodied feelings of sadness, grief or anger; these feelings, along with joy, can be very enlivening when one takes responsibility for one’s own feelings.

So how do we become aware of this victimizer when it is not so obvious?  Here is something you can try, next time you’re feeling in any way depressed or not as alive as you would like…

Start by saying something to yourself such as, “I am terrific. I love everything about myself. I love the way I look. I love and appreciate my intelligence, my creativity and the way I relate to others. I am a unique, lovable and worthwhile person.” After you say this to yourself, notice how you feel. If you feel better after saying this, that is wonderful; it means you are able to take in support in that moment. If objections come up, or if any part of you denies that any of this is true, that is most likely the voice of the inner victimizer. Once you become aware of this, you can work with the victimizer in a number of ways. I will post more on ways to work with this energy in the future, however for now you can use the “Working with the inner victimizer” exercise I have already posted.

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